Free to a Bad Home

by Jakob Drud

You now have the chance to adopt your very own hellhound puppy!

Due to decreasing demand for eternal damnation over the last two millennia (yes, we’re looking at you, J.C.) we’ve been forced to downsize our staff. That means we no longer have the demonpower necessary to take care of our four-legged friends. And you have the opportunity of a lifetime.


*The Easiest Pet in the World*

No veterinary bills. As long as you make sure to place your salt cellar out of reach, your hellhound is practically immortal.

Housetrained. Even as a puppy, the worst your hellhound will spill on your carpets is a little fire, and that is guaranteed to be sterile.

Save on pet food. Just let your puppy out at night and it’ll feed itself. As an added benefit you’ll have no more trouble with rats, raccoons or bears getting into your trash. Or neighbors stealing your newspaper.

Natural born guard dog. Because three heads means ‘No Trespassing’ in 6,000 languages.


*Improve Your Social Status*

But don’t just get a hellhound puppy because it’s easy. Your new buddy will boost your confidence and make you stand out from the crowd!

Want to rise above your neighbors? The hellhound will be your faithful companion everywhere and give you an aura of invincibility whether you live in The Hamptons or Skid Row.

Money problems? Your new best friend can turn invisible at will, so who better to check out your opponents’ cards at the poker table, or scope out the security at your local gas station before a robbery?

Or perhaps you need a job? Just bring your new best friend to the interview and make sure the staff hears that death howl. Voila! Plenty of vacancies.


*And It Doesn’t Stop There*

Think of all the fun you’ll have. Go to Disneyland and you’ll practically have the park to yourself. Want to watch the Oscars live? No one will out-VIP you and your best friend. You’ll be served first at the bar, be first in line at the buffet, be the most valued customer at the bank, and no bouncer is going to keep you out of his nightclub. Why, even the TSA doesn’t mind if hellhound owners forget their tickets.

But the best part? All that fun never has to end. Enjoy a great big party of a life with your hellhound at your side, and we’ll make sure the two of you are inseparable in the afterlife.



As in really interested? No need to get in touch. We know who you are and we’ll be there with your pet in just a minute so you can start your new life today!


Notes …

Jakob Drud writes, … “I live in Aarhus, Denmark, where I write fiction because it’s important, and advertising copy because it’s important to eat. One of the tools in the advertiser’s bag of tricks is to show that ‘using this service or product makes everything easier or better or funnier’. My customers generally deliver on their promises, but some people will claim to hand you the world on a silver platter when there really is no shortcut to success. That’s the kind of swindling that inspired this story.”

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