Pest Control

by William R.A.D. Funk


SETI Report March 23rd, 2049

Broadband transmission received at 09h38

Estimated distance of origin: 58,416 Light Years

Host: …does your solar system have a pest problem? Are your lush, verdant planets overrun by a bipedal scourge? Not to worry, because HumaneX is guaranteed to get rid of your Homo sapien infestation.

Qil’Xara: But, I’ve tried everything to exterminate those pesky human colonists from my binary system. I’ve even tried bombarding them from orbit.

Host: (Chuckles) I know you have, Qil’Xara. No one can deny that these lower lifeforms are a resilient species. If you’re like most superior races out there, you’ve tried invading them; you’ve tried bombarding their colonies from orbit like Qil’Xara here; you’ve even poisoned their water supply to make them sterile; but mankind just seems to bounce right back again.

Qil’Xara: It’s true, Kak’Shar. (Growls) I just get so frustrated sometimes.

Host: (Chuckles) Of course, you do. It’s a sickening sight to watch as humans scatter before the new light of a freshly made star. But, you don’t have to worry about that anymore, Qil’Xara.

Qil’Xara: I don’t?

Host: Nope. The makers of HumaneX have developed a system guaranteed to eliminate those annoying vermin.

Qil’Xara: Please tell me more, Kak’Shar.

Host: Well Qil’Xara, our scientific research of abductions and relentless probing has discovered some startling things about mankind. For one, conventional methods not only fail to destroy them, but humanity can become more resistant to extermination with every failed attempt.

Qil’Xara: You mean by bombarding them from orbit, I’ve made them tougher to kill?

Host: That’s right. This pestilence has the irritating capacity to adapt to any technology we throw at them. It was only a hundred-and-nineteen solar revolutions ago that we attempted to annihilate their nest, Earth, with radiation. Since then, they’ve developed atomic weapons.

Qil’Xara: That’s horrible!

Host: Yes, it is. You’re probably asking yourself what makes this product any different than the others.

Qil’Xara: It does seem hopeless, Kak’Shar.

Host: Not so, Qil’Xara. Our research has also uncovered a weakness endemic in the human race.

Qil’Xara: What’s that?

Host: I’m glad you asked, Qil’Xara. The answer is simple. We let the human species destroy itself.

Qil’Xara: How do we do that?

Host: (Excited Laughter) The makers of Humanex have developed a series of dangerous chemicals that cause a host of problems in the human physiology when ingested, injected, inhaled, or applied topically. Placed in easily accessed locations, the worker drones carry these chemicals back to their nest, where in a mere century, the entire species will be crippled by illnesses they can’t even comprehend.

Qil’Xara: But if these chemicals cause them harm, why would they go anywhere near them, much less take them back to their nest?

Host: (Chuckles) Like most simple lifeforms, Qil’Xara, these human beings seek out instant gratification at the expense of their long-term stability. They will inhale these chemicals and become addicted in order to experience a temporary euphoria; they’ll consume large quantities of chemically processed food, becoming fat and docile; they’ll even inject substances—known to be often fatal—directly into their bloodstream if it will derive even a small amount of pleasure.

Qil’Xara: (Chortles) It’s hard to believe a species could be that dense.

Host: It just goes to show you, Qil’Xara, an inherent tendency to survive doesn’t equal intelligence as the humans have proven. (Laughter)

Qil’Xara: (Laughs along) I feel better already, Kak’Shar. But how much does HumaneX cost?

Host: How much do you think it costs?

Qil’Xara: I would think at least ten million units.

Host: (A series of clicks) You’d be wrong, Qil’Xara. Humanex is now available for only two million units and is guaranteed, money back, to rid you of your human infestation.

Qil’Xara: That’s incredible, Kak’Shar. Where do I sign up?

Host: You can–

SETI Report March 23rd, 2049

Broadband transmission ended at 09h42

Notes …

William R.A.D. Funk is a native Floridian living abroad in Canada with his wife Andrea. William, a former civil engineer and police officer, has turned in his badge to write under the umbrella of science fiction, horror, and fantasy. He is currently working on a series of short stories.

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